Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Inglourious Carebears

Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from goddamn Sing Laison, cross five thousand aster-nomical units of lowsec, fight my way through half of nullsec and jump into effin' Dek-o-line to teach the Goons lessons in humanity. Goon ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a bear-hatin', chin-pussy wearin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find flyin' a Goon ship, they're gonna die.

- With apologies to Quentin Tarantino

Last week Jester posted a blog entry featuring some leaked Goonswarm intel. Most of it was 'Burn Jita' strategy and timing, which I found mildly interesting. However, at the very end of the post, Jester dropped in this little gem:
"GSF is creating an internal group specifically with the intent of hunting down and killing 'enemies of Carlotta':
'The purpose of the [Goonswarm] Death Squad is to hunt down and punish every bleating pubbie who has felt that they could hide behind Concord and speak out against us without fear. In nullsec we have fought wars of extermination over seemingly innocuous offenses (such as Tetsujin's sig)‚ yet human garbage like Jade Constantine and Issler Dainze reside securely, squatting in their empire shitholes, squawking about Goonswarm with no risk. No more.'
If anything in the leak shows off what Goons might be capable of now that their leader is unshackled from the CSM, this is it.  Say something nasty about Goons?  Prepare to lose a ship and most likely a clone as well."

Of course the central question here is, who's on the Goon enemies list? Am I? 'Cause, that would be totally cool.

I'd be all, "Hey baby, I'm a marked man. Ol' Mittens is so scared of my l33t word-smithing he's ordered his death squad into highsec to kill me. Yeah, you heard me right - ol' Mittens just can't take me calling him names. Makes him craaaaazy. "

As word of Mitten's enemies list spreads, being on it is going to carry enormous prestige. You're going to be a big fat nobody if you don't have a crew of Goon death squad assassins dogging your heels. And if the assassins get you it's no more that what's expected. Goon pops pubbie. Not a big deal. But if you manage to bait and pod some death squad members? Total bragging rights.

Now, I am not the type to sit around and wait for an invitation to the dance. I'll just assume I am on the Goon enemies list and behave accordingly. Which is to say, Mitten's minions are now in season. Hulkageddon is bringing the Goons up into highsec, so I have the perfect opportunity to hone my Goon scalping skills. Mitten's eventual and inevitable retreat from highsec will bring him no respite. I will harry his Goons where I find them, even unto the doors of Dekline.

Now, I know what you're going to say. There's nearly nine thousand Goons out there, and only the one of me. And those are pretty lopsided odds. But, hell, I figure if things get too far out of hand Mittens has a Der Fuhrer-size pile of technetium money lying around.

He can always hire Pandemic Legion if he needs to make it an fair fight.


  1. Replies
    1. Wow, that was fast. You got me on speed-dial or something.

      The writing never stops. Let's just say I've found a new in-game project ;)

  2. I hate Goons so I sure hope I'm on that list! I would like nothing more than to be hunted down and made to pay for my crimes. Please.

    1. That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be Goon hunters. When you join Mitten's enemies list, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every Goon hunter owes me one hundred Goonsicles. And I want my Goonsicles. And all y'all will git me one hundred Goonsicles, taken from the ships of one hundred dead Goons. Or you will die tryin'.

      Sorry Quentin - couldn't resist.

  3. Lol the big mans back, good to see the best blog in eve is going again, sorry guys :)

  4. Jus' cause he uses bigger words don't make him no better!

  5. Nomnom me want goon wrath aswell.
    Good to see you back dude. Hope we get some good posts from you again.

  6. Get back to posting. Jester is getting really meh.

  7. Wow, nice. Can you resume writing eve null sec analysis articles? I really miss them.

  8. This article made me grin and even cheer. Well done.

    I know I ain't on the list, only writing fiction and all that


    1. I don't know. You've gotten under his skin at times.

  9. Nice to have you back. Funny. I follow just about everyone that posted a comment, so far...

  10. Yes, proud to be wardecced by Goons & now proudly offering:

    Goon Kill Rights For Sale! Dirt Cheap!
    Only 1 ISK! http://bit.ly/K87Xfu

    Let new wardec mechanics make your day.